Mrs Potato Head Is Sexy
by Ladon's Breath
Summary: Set during Poison Sky and The Sontaran Strategem. This is the story of Kraal the Sontaran and what he found on his mission to Earth. Crack-fic. Sontaran/Potato


**Author's Note:** Yes, this is a very crack-ish fic. But I came up with the idea and decided it just had to be written down. Reviews are always welcome! Enjoy!

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His name was Kraal, Kraal the Battle-Blooded. His purple armor shone in the strange light of the ship as he polished it in preparation for the inevitable war to come. Of course there were constant battles with the Rutans, but Kraal was busy across the galaxy. The Sontarans were converting an unimportant planet, Earth, to a clone world. There they could create millions of soldiers for their war and continue the eternal battle for victory. Kraal was preparing himself for a mission to the planet below. He was to judge the Earth population and confirm the determination that the population was insignificant. If the general assumption that earthlings were useless was proven correct, then the Sontarans could continue with the stratagem.

With his armor polished to a violet sheen and his helmet placed firmly upon his head he was fully protected, after all Sontarans had no weakness. Kraal showed his respect for General Staal before entering the teleport chamber. With one hand he activated the controls while securing his gun with the other. Then, the teleport began and Kraal stood tall, prepared to destroy any being in his way. In moments, he had appeared on Earth in one of the Sontarans' secluded locations. Instead of standing in an ATMOS factory or that idiot Rattigan's home, Kraal had emerged from a stand of trees in an average Earth neighborhood.

He was selecting which home he should visit, and which earthlings he should evaluate, when something caught his eye. In the greenery surrounding one house a small, brown object was hidden. Kraal removed his helmet so he could observe the details of the item and move closer. As he brushed aside the leaves of the plants nearby, Kraal saw the most beautiful thing he had ever viewed.

She was glorious. Brown mottled skin graced her rounded form and the delicate pattern in her covering made her all the more magnificent to observe. Kraal could hardly draw his eyes away to ensure that no earthlings were around, before he spoke to the potato in the dirt before him. "You are an attractive female of my species," he began matter-of-factly. "Ah, but you are not wearing armor!"

Kraal almost shielded his eyes, to preserve the modesty of the female, but that would be shameful. "I shall never hide from the views before me. You have elected to remain defenseless, that is your choice. I will not disgrace your selection." The Sontaran stood tall and watched the vegetable before him, though not without a certain longing. After a long pause Kraal leaned over and placed his helmet on the ground nearby. Then, whispering to the potato he asked, "May I hold you madam?"

The vegetable made no reply, which Kraal took as assent. His three-fingered hand lifted the potato with more gentleness than one would have expected in a Sontaran. Their warring ways and violent acts never betrayed the softer side of the alien race. Admittedly such tenderness was insignificant in comparison to the hard armored exteriors of the Sontarans, but it did appear now and then, when they cared for their weapons or their armor, when they repaired the tools that allowed them to wage their eternal wars, or, as in this case, when they encountered a particularly attractive species.

Sontarans were a clone race, so sexuality was not usually an issue, or even considered in their species for the most part. But this did not mean that sexual pleasure was outside the realm of Sontaran life. Most of them found such orgasmic delights in the spoils of war. The strategy of battle, the excitement of killing an enemy, the corpses that were the results of war, all of these made the Sontarans as happy as humans copulating. But there were always a few of their race whose tastes were slightly different. Yes, Kraal loved battle as much as any other Sontaran, and yet this female was so enticing. He knew others had committed such acts, and, since he now had this opportunity, he would not waste it.

The potato made no protest as Kraal began the act. He stroked the vegetable gently and attempted to make her as comfortable as he could. Her skin's texture felt wonderful against his fingertips. She was silky smooth in some regions, but with a few bumps pleasantly interrupting the perfection. Her curves molded perfectly with Kraal's hand and her many eyes gazed at him in contentment. Unable to stop himself, Kraal took one hand and freed the codpiece of his armor, tossing it to the ground alongside his helmet.

Freed from the trappings of his outfit, Kraal's rod rose from its confinement to a proud height. The sight of this beauteous creature had been enough to arouse him and now he was prepared to commit the act. He planned to consummate this short term relationship momentarily, as soon as he decided how best to approach the matter. The potato lacked any convenient hollows to insert himself into, so Kraal retrieved the small knife he carried for convenience's sake and carved a hole into the vegetable. It was crude, but it was perfect for what he had in mind. He took one three-fingered hand and guided his shaft into the potato's form. She was warm from his careful handling of her and the perfect size. Her firmness was pleasant against Kraal's skin, especially since his Sontaran DNA made his flesh especially tough and hard. Soft objects would do nothing for such an alien; he would merely batter the thing to pieces. But the vegetable's unyielding body and connecting skin made that difficult. Instead, thrust for thrust, the potato remained whole and encased Kraal in a tunnel of pleasure and starch.

As he continued to drive forward into the vegetable Kraal shouted in pleasure. The Sontaran battle cry was the first phrase he thought of and thus cries of "SONTAR-HA" punctuated each motion. As he pulled out Kraal yelled the first word which turned into a triumphant "HA!" at every plunge back in. The shouts became louder and louder as waves of sexual delight washed over the Sontaran. He was happy, oh so happy, with this situation. He couldn't remember the last time he had felt so good, besides his first experience in battle. This potato had opened his mind to joys unseen in the typical Sontaran world and Kraal was ready for more. The pleasure built itself up to enormous heights before crashing into a beautiful orgasm. As he came, Kraal moaned and held the vegetable stationary, spurting his infertile cum into the potato.

Soon he was finished and Kraal was ready to move on. He knew nothing of love, only lust, and since his desires were satisfied this gorgeous vegetable could be left alone where he had discovered it. He gently placed the potato below the leaves of the plant it had come from and gave it one last stroke of thanks. Kraal grabbed his codpiece and helmet, so he could fully protect himself again, and walked away from the little garden. His work was done here. The Earthlings had no need to be saved, but there was a certain plant he would advise the Sontarans to recover from the planet.


End file.
